Directed by Daniel Minahan
Language: English
Year: 2024
Shaun’s Rating: 1.8/5 ★
Before Watching:
If you bought a ticket to Saltburn and left disappointed with the lack of Jacob Elordi gay smut, I have great news. If you watched Saltburn and left disappointed with the general “what the f*ck”-ness of the film, I have, um… news. The Euphoria star has teamed up with freshly Twist-ed Daisy Edgar Jones, Babylon’s Diego Calva, and real-life-Neville Longbottom Will Poulter to deliver a new queer period drama just unremarkable enough to make you wonder if it was actually written for Harry Styles. But be not a-worried, darling—you do get to see some actual horses on screen.
On Swift Horses is set in 1950s California, based on the novel of the same name by Shannon Pufahl. Muriel (Jones) is settling down with her husband Lee (Poulter) after the Korean War when Lee’s brother Julius (Elordi) slinks his way into town. There is an immediate connection between Muriel and Julius, though the actors’ on-screen chemistry woefully obscures the exact nature of that connection. Lee wants to keep his brother in their lives, but Julius has other plans that involve an exhausting string of hedonism around Las Vegas, where he manages to find employment catching casino cheaters alongside the charming Henry (Calva). Muriel decides—inspired by the goal of affording a new house while keeping her family home in Nebraska—to take up horserace gambling1 on the side of housewife-ing. She also grows closer to her neighbor Sandra (Sasha Calle), and things get a bit more 💅🏳️🌈 from that point on.
Elordi is just one of those actors that cannot seem to book an interesting role—the “Glen Powell syndrome.” Powell famously almost declined a slot in Top Gun: Maverick because he only wanted to play the lead hero; I fear that Elordi is also averse to opening scripts that don’t deify his brooding veneer. It’s almost the opposite problem that Timothée Chalamet is facing as he can only seem to land coming-of-age stories, even as he (age 28) rapidly approaches twink death (however old Justin Bieber is, maybe 30?). I almost feel bad for the level of pigeonholing that Chalamet’s agent is Dune Two his image, and Jacob Elordi2 will also need to make a plan for some serious reimagination of his casting sheet—or at least make a concept of a plan.
On Swift Horses fails not just because there is very little believable chemistry,3 but also because the script has nothing to offer the source material. The dialogue feels pointless, the characters fatiguingly simple. Plot points come and go with no consequences, while the acting remains generic and Lifetime-movie lifeless enough to leave you craving anything of flavor. We wanted a rich, gay paloma of intrigue and complexity, but (yet again) just got a glass of bathwater.
On Swift Horses premiered at the 2024 Toronto International Film Festival, and it hasn’t been purchased for distribution yet, but it will likely be in theaters worldwide soon.
After Watching:
Why did we need that strangely sensual subplot between Muriel and Julius, where Muriel is having sex dreams about him and they’re almost snuggling while Lee chases the horse? I suspect that Jacob Elordi insisted on at least some heterosexual flirtation on screen, like when rockstars insist on no brown M&Ms or whatever in their venue riders. I never detected a modicum of attraction between him and Diego Calva,4 who has (to his credit) noticed that Hollywood only seems to like him “in period movies, kissing Australian people.” Oh Diego, baby, you could kiss a hundred boys in naurs.
The only cogent and meaningful piece of On Swift Horses is the clever metaphor that being queer in the ’50s felt a lot like being a gambling addict, always one step away from your house of cards collapsing. But we skip past that idea too quickly to nonsensical slipshod sequences, like when Julius somehow stumbles through Tijuana and gets mugged (while being called “gringo” by another white guy) but makes it home unscathed?
The final scene where the audience sees the photo board of notes to lost lovers is particularly upsetting, because it hints at the dark reality of this film—this is a tragic, true piece of history that’s now just serving to prop up the careers of young stars who couldn’t care less. A fan sitting a few rows ahead of me at the world premiere in Toronto asked Jacob Elordi what the best part was about being in this film, and his response was that he “got to be a cowboy.” What a Joke-back Mountain.
She doesn’t wind up in Squid Game, but she does find herself in a snatch game of sorts 😉
This is an actor who only knew Elvis from Lilo & Stitch before portraying him in Priscilla…
The one exception being Calle’s chemistry with Jones, which I attribute to the two of them actually doing a chemistry screen test before being offered the roles. If you want to just stack the cast with face cards so sharp they wouldn’t make it past a TSA screening, you cannot be surprised when the central heterosexual actor cannot convincingly display chemistry with his screen partner.