Directed by David Leitch
Languages: English, Japanese
Year: 2022
Shaun’s Rating: 2/5 ★
Before Watching:
Certainly the most flagrant attempt at imitating Kill Bill: Volume 1 since Kill Bill: Volume 2, Leitch’s latest libertine lore is an action flick that flies off the tracks. Bullet Train takes place on a heavily fictionalized Tokaido Shinkansen high-speed rail, with a cast so full of familiar faces you’ll find yourself asking “Isn’t that the guy from Lost?” at least two times more than you should.
Brad Pitt stars as an unenthusiastic assassin, conscripted to a job on the titular train that quickly grows more complicated than anticipated. The passenger list comprises a score of other hitmen and ne’er-do-wells, featuring performances from Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Brian Tyree Henry, Joey King, Zazie Beetz, Logan Lerman, and even Bad Bunny(?!). The acting from this ensemble cast—cartoonish as it may be—is at least consistent in style and intention, committing to an upbeat and (dare I say) plucky series of action dialogues. Pitt’s character (nicknamed “Ladybug”) is charming, despite his evocation of every single American tourist in modern East Asia. Confucius says “Heaven means to be one with God,” but Ladybug would counter that Heaven means to be seated on a bidet.
The story is fun, but disappointingly cheap and unoriginal. Bullet Train bakes in dozens of Tarantino tropes without any mastermind plot to support them, and paints over the cracks with choppy action sequences and orientalist quips. Brad Pitt—the face that launched a thousand trains—is unable to save this sinking coach, even with his, um… unique fashion choices. The ensemble cast shines, but only through clipped flashbacks and an uncomfortable ratio of comedy to action. It’s hard to feel like the fight scenes have any steam behind them when the characters take every opportunity to crack a joke. Seriously, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, how about you loco-motivate yourself to actually land some punches next time.
I’m sure that some people just can’t get enough train-based action, but as far as the subgenre goes, I’d put this film a few notches below Train to Busan (2016) or Snowpiercer (2013). And if I have to listen to Brian Tyree Henry make one more Thomas the Tank Engine pun, you’ll catch me jumping ship to look for a yakuza fight on the goddamn Polar Express.
Bullet Train premiered in Paris on July 18th, 2022, and was released in the United States in August. It can now be rented on Prime Video or Apple TV.
After Watching:
Perhaps Bullet Train would have been better had they spent a little less budget on quick A-list cameos and a little more on writing and special effects. Did we really need two separate gay jokes from Channing Tatum? Get your ass back to Magic Mike 4: Electric Boogaloo. A deus ex machina from Sandra Bullock? That is such a blind side that it’s unforgivable. A two-second shot of Ryan Reynolds with no dialogue? That just—actually, no, that one is okay.
The most ostentatiously strange thing about Bullet Train to me is the inexplicable shortage of Japanese people in Japan. Other than the Elder and Yuichi, none of the featured action stars are Japanese; even the key villain (supposedly a yakuza boss) is Russian? Arigato, but nyet arigato. I brushed it off until we found out the only passenger irked by Lemon and Ladybug’s fight is somehow an older American woman… has David Leitch ever even been to Japan?
Ultimately, due to the shoddy effects, questionable storyboarding, and downright disappointing writing, Bullet Train is hardly a first-class film. But hey, economy class still offers some fun action and entertainment (unless, of course, you’re on Amtrak, where you barely get wifi).